Not For A Loop
by nekked
Summary: Basically, she couldn't have been more Coby's type (assuming there was such a thing) if she'd leaned over and retched up a box of kittens and worn a chastity belt. And it looked like she was wearing a pair of cut off jean shorts, so the effect was probably the same. — Crack! Bits of KohTash, CoVi; T for drug related humor


**A/N:** _Some ridiculous crack I did over Thanksgiving. _

_I don't own anything. _

* * *

Garp explained that one might get "weak in the knees", which Helmeppo imagined would be tragic in his situation anyway since he was built like a triangle. Which he supposed supported his statement about how painful it was. But all questionable anatomy aside, this conversation was complete bullshit.

"You're explaining something that, even if these three weren't a posse of complete dorks, would easily be more realistically explained by someone with their head not entirely up their ass."

"No wonder you and Hina haven't gotten married yet, Smoker-kun—"

"—How'd you like to _die_, old man…"

"Well, this has_ truly_ been enlightening," Tashigi started with an even, chilly tone, "but that information on drug cartel isn't going to gather itself, so if you'll excuse us…"

"You're a failure of a young maiden, Tashigi-chan," Garp said bluntly. "Always working, never even looking around for a proper man to settle down with…"

"WHO WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN?!" Her shrill shriek had probably shattered the ears of the devil himself, and all Garp could think to do was pout and stuff another donut in his pie hole. "I WILL NEVER FALL IN LOVE IF IT MEANS SPENDING THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH ONE OF THE LOUTS I INTERACT WITH ON A REGULAR BASIS."

Helmeppo for some reason thought bringing up Roronoa Zoro's latest epic achievement/fame inducing event/bounty revision would be a good idea and was promptly sent flying. Coby looked a little too uncomfortable for someone of his rank. Or he would have if Helmeppo hadn't been k.o.'d and unable to confirm. It was usually safe to assume Coby looked slightly on the verge of self-implosion when the topic of girls came up.

"Honestly," Tashigi's voice simmered as all three of them dodged merchants and a couple persistent orphans through the bustling streets of afternoon Alabasta, "if I hear _one more_person mention something about me acting more feminine, if I hear ONE MORE LESBIAN JOKE—"

She didn't get to finish her threat. Somewhere between a lingering gaze at a very ornate looking sword on display and avoiding collisions, she got a face full of rose bush and practically tackled some poor guy to the ground.

Coby righted the plant and dusted off his hands, but Helmeppo didn't offer help because Tashigi probably would've knocked his teeth out. He _was_ asking for some divine intervention of his own by the time she'd sputtered a squeaky apology and gotten a good look at Blonde Adonis, prevailing God of Harlequin Fantasy. He dusted himself off and adjusted his glasses, then offered their senpai a hand to shake.

"Forgive me for running into you like that, ma'am…"

His name was _Kohza_, like some sexual slur you're only comfortable blurting a few shots short of passed out. Helmeppo sighed to himself and shoved Coby along with him when it became clear Tashigi had forgotten they were there.

"What was _that_ all about," Coby muttered when they were far enough away, Helmeppo not sure if he was horrified by Tashigi's sudden transformation from a witch into a puddle or the fact that they'd left her behind. "I've never _seen_ her like that before…"

"You're just shell shocked because you weren't blessed with the same intuition as the average human being," Helmeppo informed him with only a hint of condescension. "It's probably the same deficiency that keeps your virginity safe and sound."

As much as Coby tried to compensate for it, he still had a baby face. It glared over at Helmeppo, an empty threat that usually ended in him moping for a few minutes before someone told him to do something.

"Well, I could see she liked him…"

"Good observation."

"I'm not stupid, you know…"

"Just charmingly oblivious."

"I wish you'd stop teasing me," Coby winced, rubbing at his neck and glowering at the road. "I'm not going to do those things just to get everyone to stop talking about it…"

"Nobody's saying you should, you dolt. There are plenty of girls who are into that kind of thing, but you're always too busy to consider it."

He wasn't even being facetious. If Coby had it his way he'd wind up dying without ever venturing up a girl's skirt. The thought both depressed and amused his partner.

And there was always positivity in the fact that Tashigi had finally hit it off with someone…

…Out of the blue…

…Conveniently after a creepy conversation about "love", or whatever it's called when you're a perpetual donut inhaler one wrong move away from having a heart attack with a toilet brush mustache that probably incubated and birthed the first stems of bubonic plague.

There was _always_ positivity in knowing people like that had better halves. (Granted, Garp's wife was dead. And there was nobody standing here telling Helmeppo she _hadn't_ died of bubonic plague. )

In that case, maybe Coby just needed the proper setting…

"What a beautiful sunset," Coby said wistfully, Helmeppo jerking suddenly to look out at the sky. Three seconds ago it had been fairly light out, but apparently he had been deeper in thought than he'd—

Suddenly he realized he was walking alone, like his perspective had suddenly taken an absurd dip. His neck craned to stare back at Coby, stiff with awareness as he gazed over the dust clouds and— _what the actual hell_, where _was_ everyone? This place had been _full_ of people just a few seconds ago…

…Well, whatever. It was now a giant empty space bridging the gap between his best friend and…a girl. An attractive girl. At least, that's what it _seemed_ to be.

Helmeppo narrowed his eyes and tilted his head to make sure Coby wasn't staring at something more practical. Like a piece of trash. Or…

…

…Actually, it could've literally been anything_ besides_ a girl and Helmeppo would've been more apt to put his money on it.

But the girl. Yes. It was a girl. And she was…working at a soup kitchen.

"You've got to be shitting me," he muttered under his breath, face squeezed into a suspicious pulp. He noticed the air was suddenly more pleasantly fragrant than it had been before. Like the entire city block had fallen into freshly showered cleavage. And the air sparkled. He tried to poke a speck glimmering in front of his nose and felt he might be going mad after all.

The girl stood behind a work station with a couple other people, but had an obnoxiously adorable group of children at her command who brought bread from inside the _homeless shelter_. (Of _course_ she worked at a homeless shelter, why _wouldn't _she work at a homeless shelter…) One of the kids was even braiding her hair while she stood there, bright and shiny as a newly minted gold piece held up to the sun.

Basically, she couldn't have been more Coby's type (assuming there was such a thing) if she'd leaned over and retched up a box of kittens and worn a chastity belt. And it looked like she was wearing a pair of cut off jean shorts, so the effect was probably the same.

Coby looked about three cheesy measures of a full orchestral suite away from passing out, which Helmeppo thought was a little overdramatic. Then he realized that was an actual full orchestral suite playing in the background, and he wondered if he was the one not taking this as seriously as he should. (Was the air just that dry in the desert? The wind produced music when things got a little too intense? Was he hallucinating?)

"_Who is that_," Coby's voice echoed prettily, bouncing off Helmeppo's eardrums and flying back out into the painted backdrop.

"How the hell am I supposed to know…"

This reeked of circumstantial debauchery. He disliked the taste it was leaving in his mouth. Like he was suddenly supposed to start believing in things like miracles and positivity and true love and all that shit caroler's had always tried to sing about outside his mansion around Christmas time. (Before he'd threatened to have them all shot. _Those were the days_.)

"I feel like I'm dying," Coby muttered, one hand coming up to clutch at his chest.

"Bubonic plague…"

"Huh?"

"Nothing. Look, man, if you wanna go talk to her, you should do it _today_. Go tell her she's hot. Or _something_. The sooner we get back the better, and the faster you can get over your first ever rejection and cry it out. Character building like this isn't attainable through training."

"Oh, no, I don't think I can talk to her…"

Helmeppo decided to ignore the fact that Coby'd ignored his barrage of offensive statements. Which meant this was worse than he'd thought. He was visibly sweating even though it was getting gradually chillier, and his eyes were frosted over with some customized glaze that allowed men to be infatuated with one singular thing. Helmeppo imagined it was how he used to look at his closet full of purple suits before he'd gotten some fashion sense.

A small (beautiful?) sneeze sounded from across the street, cut-off-shorts finished do-gooding with a crowd of fed peasants moving into the sand structure behind her and bowing as they passed. She wiped her nose and blushed, stuttering incoherent modesties.

"She's _cold_," came Coby's quietly horrified choke, like it physically pained him to realize this. His companion gave a snort and let himself be impressed with the appropriate crescendo of the invisible orchestra.

"Then go offer her your jacket, _Captain_."

If the teasing sarcasm trickling off those words were to be detected by anyone while in their right state of mind, it would have been Coby. As it was, his suggestion was taken without a moment's hesitation. Before Helmeppo could think to restrain his cynical heart (and his eyeballs), Coby had soru'd over and put the poor woman in his infatuated arms. He probably had no idea what had just happened. Now was about the time he fell back to reality and started sobbing on the ground about how worthless he was.

"You…you looked cold."

Okay. Well, it wasn't said with a whole lot of confidence, but maybe the adrenaline rush needed a second to run out…

The woman stared up at him with dewy eyes and gilded lashes, blue hair unruly with no children left to braid it. (Where they had all gone was yet another mystery…) Helmeppo figured she was three seconds away from slapping him silly and ending what had become the strangest occurrence in their combined lives.

Instead of a beating, after a few seconds of calm contemplation, the woman said quietly, "I am a bit cold. Thank you."

"I…I didn't mean to pick you up like that…"

And yet she remained in his arms. Like he was hoping she'd let him keep her there.

"Well, I figure if you were going to kidnap me, you'd take off just as fast as you showed up."

They both grinned at this, then laughed together, which made Helmeppo roll his eyes clear back to East Blue. Seriously, what was today _playing_ at?

"I see you're a marine," she said, pulling his jacket more tightly around herself. "You seem very kind. It's strange. I've just met you under these circumstances and…it doesn't really _feel_that strange."

"I feel the same way," Coby said with emphatic, vomit inducing tenderness, reluctantly moving to put her down. They stared at each other some more and Helmeppo wondered if he should just keep walking. They would probably be here all day at this rate.

He was about to holler obnoxiously that he intended to do just that when he suddenly found himself face planting into the dust. The thing that had just mowed him down like so much unkept grass waddled at amazing speeds over the road and stopped in front of cut-off-shorts. It regarded Coby suspiciously, and then relented when she patted its head.

"This is my friend, Karu. I'm afraid…" she trailed off, looking suddenly more sad than the situation called for. "…I'm afraid I'll be going now."

"Oh." Coby looked absolutely crestfallen.

She traced patterns in the dirt and folded her hands behind her back like she was trying to stall. Karu nudged her and Helmeppo was suddenly conflicted about how to feel about the duck. It had nearly killed him, yes, but it seemed to be the only thing moving this soap opera along.

She blinked into realization. "Ah! Here, you need your jacket back…"

"No, you keep it—" Helmeppo felt bile rising in his throat… "—I don't want you to catch a cold on your way back home." …Yes, puking was encroaching on 'imminent', now.

She bit her lip and bowed her head in a small attempt to hide her blush. "Well, if that's the way it goes, then I guess I'll have to see you again so I can return it—"

"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF—" Helmeppo's outburst was cut short when someone else decided to crash land into him. It appeared to be a bird, and then he swept over to his two torturers and seemed to fuss over the girl.

"If your work is finished, Princess Vivi, then we should return to the palace before it gets much darker out," the bird man said, giving Coby a critical look.

"So that's your name." Helmeppo had become petrified at the mention of her title, but Coby seemed content to sigh over something like that. "I forgot to ask."

"I still don't know yours," she said breezily, ignoring her other male companion. "I don't think I could forget your face, but if I knew your name…"

Bright violins played when he cleared his throat and told her, "It's Coby. That's my name."

The street was suddenly engulfed in what felt like a plasmic goo of roses and hope for the future, a coagulation of dreams and ignored complications pushing the two of them together. If the air had been glittering before, the place was now a powder keg ready to blow the moment somebody batted their exaggerated eye lashes a little too hard.

The duck and the birdman stood off to the side, probably just as confused about why everything had somehow slowed to a near halt. Helmeppo was just glad he wasn't the only outsider in this absurd drama.

"_I…I want to see you again_," both their voices echoed off the walls of buildings and particles in the air, their hands tentatively entwining.

A magnificent blast of wind knocked duck and birdman off their feet and molested Helmeppo's long blonde hair in such a way that it stuck straight out behind him. His lips flapped over his gums and by the time it died down, he was half buried under a mound of sand.

He awoke some time later to the blinding brilliance that was Coby's concerned baby face. Helmeppo punched him away so he could open his eyes at a comfortable rate without blacking out.

"Helmeppo-san, what was that for…" Coby whined, eyes glistening and five o' clock shadow too rugged for the tone he'd used. (If pink scruff was to be considered rugged in the first place…)

"'Cause you're an ass. How long was I out?"

"I brought you back a few hours ago after Vivi left…"

"I was passed out and you waited for her to leave first?"

Coby wasn't even listening anymore. He'd buried his face in his pillow, heat radiating from it while he laughed.

"I can't believe I met someone like her in such a place…"

"What do you even know about her besides she has poor taste in casual wear. And she's royalty."

"She's wonderful. We're going to see each other again tomorrow."

"How delightful…"

"I feel so warm. And fluttery. My gut feels like it could inflate and I'd fly off into space…"

"Okay, never use the word 'fluttery' out loud again."

"I don't know how else to describe it, though, Helmeppo-san…"

"Normal men call it a boner."

Coby gave him a frog face. "This is different…"

"Whatever, _sweetheart_," Helmeppo ground out, flopping onto his own bed and turning away from his best friend. "Lube's in the third drawer under the bathroom sink if you change your mind."

"I think I love her, Helmeppo-san…"

"I just woke up from being passed out and you expect me to listen to this shit…"

"What Garp-san said is true. I feel so light…

"Jesus Christ, will you put a _lid_ on it…"

Eventually Helmeppo fell asleep to the musings of his love struck companion and awoke with natural light. Coby was gone, but as a captain, he had reports to look over sometimes so Helmeppo didn't let it bother him.

He _did_ let it bother him when he opened their cabin door and nearly plowed into Tashigi. She smelled…very floral. He received a slap, but it was much gentler than usual. While he rubbed at his cheek, he studied her painted face: eyeliner, mascara, gorgeous red lipstick…she looked good. Like a woman instead of a stickman with a pillow taped to its chest.

She seemed to sense his judgment and muttered, "I just thought I'd try it once in a while. It was just sitting on my vanity…somebody must have left it there…"

"I really don't care, Tashigi-nee. If you're looking for Coby I haven't seen him."

"I just wanted to apologize for leaving you guys like that yesterday. I had a good time with…Kohza…" Her eyes drifted to a distant memory, and her cheeks pinked, "…but I wasn't thinking straight…"

"No need to worry. It wasn't the strangest thing that happened yesterday…"

"Strange?" She tilted her head and Helmeppo shrugged.

"This island is weird. I honestly won't be surprised by anything that happens from now on, I think."

She quirked an eyebrow and then sighed, waving her hand passively. "Well, whatever. I'm going out again, so after I head back over to my ship I'll get back to work."

Helmeppo was then left to his own devices and saw neither glowing hide nor rosy hair of their ship's captain for the majority of the day. He was starting to wonder if he'd decided to stalk her and been taken in for questioning by the royal guard.

Then he wondered if they'd actually hit it off and Coby was never coming back. Maybe he was going to live out his days as King of a desert country and have fifty pink haired children and leave Helmeppo to work his way back to a place of status, spending the next few years standing under an umbrella to escape the donut crumbs that fell from Garp's mouth when he laughed.

He suddenly regretted not telling Coby where his stash of condoms was.

…No. Coby was allowed temporary infatuation, but there was no way on fuck's green Earth he was in love. And even if that performance qualified as something so elusive, he refused to acknowledge it under the circumstances. Because then Garp's ridiculous explanation would have some relevance. And there was _nothing _Helmeppo would've liked better to keep in a forgotten broom closet clear on the other side of the _world_ from relevant.

By afternoon, after he'd gone through some drills with the petty officers and made an errand of going over to see if Smoker had roped him into doing something, there was still no sign of Coby.

Then, about an hour before dinner (he was so bored by now he was pretending to do a log of activities and staring at the clock), Helmeppo was alerted to a commotion out on the deck. He made his way out and noticed the entire crew standing on the railing and yelling over the side, or talking amongst themselves.

After a few successive adoring hollers for Captain Coby, Helmeppo squeezed his way between a couple of his subordinates and caught sight of what was making everyone so excited.

There sat two individuals he recognized from the wanted posters they'd been issued before coming here. They were the suspected ringleaders behind some suspicious drug activity following up on this island's attempt to reform. Now that they were tied up and bearing multiple injuries, Helmeppo suspected their mission was pretty much over.

And there, standing over them with a sunny smile and flushed face, was cut-off-shorts. Or Vivi. Whatever. She looked just as cutely modest as she had the day before, if just a little more ruffled. Coby stood next to her with his hands on his hips and spoke to a few royal guards and marine officers. Smoker looked legitimately bored, but whacked him on the back with as much stoic affection as he could muster when he was finished giving orders.

"The hell is going on? You disappear for an entire day and come back with solid hope that we might be able to leave this sand trap early," Helmeppo greeted with a smirk, waiting to hear an explanation. "I see you didn't even need my help."

"Well, I woke up early this morning," Coby explained, "and I realized what you said made sense. I was acting ridiculously. What had happened was completely ridiculous. It all felt like a very strange dream."

"And I had a similar feeling," his blue haired assistant followed up with. "We had arranged to meet in the same place so I could return his jacket, but when I got there, he had done some investigating."

"It isn't strange in this city to see shipments of flowers come in because perfume is a successful export, but it seems one group in particular was giving the authorities some trouble while trying to account for some of its plants…" Coby said, frowning and folding his arms.

"I was trying to help out a friend by taking one of the suspicious plants in for reference," Kohza said sheepishly, Tashigi standing beside him with her hands on her hips. "It turns out they weren't roses at all."

"Strong hallucinogens from that particular plant would be covered up by the strong perfume of other plants, but alone it is easily detected. It does look like a rose bush, but when I spoke to you this morning, I figured you had both been experiencing the effects as well." Tashigi smirked. "And I did put on make-up, but it was for the sake of the mission."

"So you're saying all the weird shit that happened yesterday was because of that? What about her?" Helmeppo asked, jabbing a thumb at Vivi. "Was she tripping too? And what about the bird guy…and the duck…"

"Ah, that," she said quietly, blushing furiously. "I think some of it was on Coby-kun's clothes. So when he picked me up and let me borrow his jacket…as for the duck and my bodyguard, Pell, they were real."

Coby turned to her and blushed. "…'-kun'?"

"And it seems something nice came out of this anyway," Tashigi said with a shrug. "Although you did miss me kicking ass in a kimono. The take down was quite glorious once we figured out where they were all gathering."

Helmeppo watched the thugs being escorted away, trying to piece everything together into something feasible. He ended up with some grotesque scenario that just made him want to take a giant nap. So much that he said it out loud.

"A nap would be lovely," Tashigi sighed, snapping her fingers and prompting Kohza to take her up into his arms. "Unfortunately this guy owes me dinner and I want to have a good time before this drug stuff wears off again."

"Ta-Tashigi-san…" Coby said awkwardly.

"Let it go," Smoker muttered. "She busted in without a gas mask and saved us a lot of time."

"You just find this entertaining," Helmeppo said under his breath.

"Maybe."

"You know, even while we were under the influence, I could still tell something was wrong," Helmeppo confessed, standing with his hands in his pockets. "Like, my life on drugs was just another thing to disapprove of."

"…That's really sad."

"I agree."

"What'd I miss?" Garp called from where he now stood at the ship's railing looking down at everyone.

"Drugs," Smoker said simply.

"We can go back to head quarters early, Garp-san," Coby said, glaring at Smoker.

"Why's Helmeppo's chin look bigger than usual?" Garp called again, ignoring their asnwers. "He sick or something?"

"I'm on the verge of having an existential crisis but I think I'll be okay," Helmeppo grunted.

Garp threw what was probably supposed to be a comforting donut. It hit Helmeppo in the eye.

"So, I was thinking," Vivi said shyly, twirling a piece of her hair, "maybe we could go out sometime before you leave?"

Coby gave her a confused look. "…Aren't we…outside right now?"

"Are you sure your parents didn't arrange for Alvida to kidnap you, kid…" Smoker grunted over his cigars.

So Helmeppo learned a valuable lesson, and though he still didn't actually know how to apply it to anything else in his life or what exactly it was, he never went out of his way to do drugs.

Because they probably wouldn't have done him much good anyway.

* * *

_The End. _


End file.
